We were enjoying a nice, spring evening earlier when we heard my neighbor yell from where she was doing something with a pile of leaves, "Brandi, I need to use your internet!"
My first thought was "use your own damn internet," but before I could make any such reply, I could see the top of her head bobbing over my way. As she got closer, I noticed that she is carrying with her by the tail, A SNAKE. It wasn't a large snake by any means, but my ophidiophobia does not prejudice size and immediately I was out of my rocking chair, clinging Ryan to my side, prepared to run into the house and barricade myself if she stepped any further. "I want to see what kind of snake this is because Tara doesn't want her child being bitten by this thing!"
At this point, not only am I experiencing the willies at seeing this thing dangle from her hand wiggling around, but also I am annoyed at her having referred to herself in third person to declare HER concern for HER child when she's brought AN F'ING SNAKE into MY yard where I am standing with MY CHILD. Needless to say, BRANDI WAS NOT AMUSED!
Anyway, back to my story, Terry and Christina (my other neighbor) hop off the porch and go analyze this snake that has a ring around it's neck. I joke that it's the "Elusive ringneck snake" as my mom once described a snake we found dead in a box last year, but Terry and Christina decided it's a Cottonmouth. Nice, so now Tara is holding a venomous snake in my yard. At this point, she now has a sense of urgency and starts ordering everyone around to get a shovel or SOMETHING because she is holding a VENOMOUS SNAKE.
When all was said and done, the snake had somehow slipped the surly bonds of earth before biting dummy Tara or anyone around us and it did in fact turn out to be the elusive ringneck snake which she described as "mildly poisonous" after having returned after consulting with google (on her own damn computer!)
I feel that the lessons to be taken from this story as are follows:
1. Don't pick up snakes.
2. If you do pick up snakes, do not get mad at your neighbors for not acting fast enough when you deem the snake you are holding as dangerous. You are still the moron holding the snake.
3. The next time someone asks to use an electronic such as a computer while OUTSIDE, it's probably not to look up the lyrics to "Milkshake" or to look up deals on CouponMom.....
4. I must install my moat ASAP.
