My mom totally called me out earlier. Thanks Facebook!
A girl I went to school with recently got on Facebook after 6 years. It's probably been about 12 since I spoke to her last....Anyway, she decided to post some pictures from the big 8th grade dance from back in the day. Much to my relief, I was in my less-awkward middle school phase at the time of this photo so I opted to not untag it. Naturally, the photo struck up some conversation and at one point she declared that I used to throw the best parties back in the woods and that we all used to have some "good times." No idea what she was talking about, but nonetheless I "liked" her comment and forgot about it....hey, I could pass for wood parties right? I mean, my parents had woods, I sometimes threw parties at Halloween, I could totally pull that off....
So my mom complimented this photo of us earlier on the phone and inquired about these "wood parties." I told her I had no idea what the girl was talking about but just decided to go with it. If in her mind that may or may not have been altered by drugs over the years she has fond memories of our "wood parties" then why should I ruin them? My mom began to question me on this subject like perhaps I had actually thrown wood parties. REALLY? And then I had a memory which scored me the upper hand.
On my 14th birthday, my mom took me and a couple of friends skating--the girl included that enjoyed my "wood parties." After the skating party, mom took my friends home and this girl could not remember where she lived--like we drove around for quite some time and she couldn't find her house. Finally, my mom dropped off the other friend that was with us AND LEFT THE GIRL AT THE OTHER FRIEND'S HOUSE...and for the record, they had just met that night. I mean, the dad worked at the post office so I'm sure it was safe enough, but my point was.....Clearly, the girl who can't remember where she lived probably can't remember where she partied either.
In conclusion, if anyone wants to give me any other cool things to be known for, I'll gladly pretend that I did throw the best wood parties or ride a unicorn to school every morning or whatever....it beats what I'm ACTUALLY known for-- clumsiness that defies all reason and logic, a short attention span, weird dreams, monkey shirts and that emu....actually, I'm proud of all those things...but either way, bring it on. I can handle the maternal backlash :) (LOVE YOU MOM!)
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Zombie Apocalypse?
When I first started seeing the postings on Facebook about the CDC having a Zombie Apocalypse Plan, I thought it was one of those hacker links....so imagine my surprise when I typed in CDC.gov, went to Emergency Preparedness and Response and saw the link for the Zombie Apocalypse. I understand that they are trying to put a cute spin on being prepared for any disaster...but this is AMERICA, and I think they have no idea how unprepared we are.
What about the ZOMBIES? They have all this focus on how for the non-zombies to survive, but let's face it, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse I will probably be turned into a zombie. I have ZERO athletic ability and a love of cookies. I'll be one of the first to be turned.
The CDC says for starters that we'll be quarantined and they will find what caused this outbreak and how to treat it. This is going to be quite costly to the taxpayers. At this point, I will no longer be concerned with the concept of a taxpayer because in the future they will be looked at as a potential meal....but nonetheless, it will be costly. First of all, all zombies seem to have open wounds from what I see. Treating them alone is bad enough, but let's add in the fact that I'll be decomposing simultaneously and on top of that, everyone who tries to treat me will risk being eaten. I'm pretty sure they'll find a cure, but what will I have to live with after that? Scars, disfigurement and doctor bills--that's what!
Secondly, I'm going to have a rather restrictive diet. No longer can I whip up some Hamburger Helper or Ramen Noodles, now I want PEOPLE, and apparently that's taboo and probably expensive. How is the CDC going to accommodate that? You can't feed a lion a salad here, got it? And I think a zombie will be smart enough to know the difference in human and whatever substitute (probably chicken).
Finally, in the event of this Zombie Apocalypse, what's going to happen when I become human again? Would I want to become human again? Will the zombies be given a choice? I, for one, would like to be the first to advocate for zombie rights! Who's with me?! (You only have until 6:00 pm tomorrow to decide because I think that's when it begins!)
What about the ZOMBIES? They have all this focus on how for the non-zombies to survive, but let's face it, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse I will probably be turned into a zombie. I have ZERO athletic ability and a love of cookies. I'll be one of the first to be turned.
The CDC says for starters that we'll be quarantined and they will find what caused this outbreak and how to treat it. This is going to be quite costly to the taxpayers. At this point, I will no longer be concerned with the concept of a taxpayer because in the future they will be looked at as a potential meal....but nonetheless, it will be costly. First of all, all zombies seem to have open wounds from what I see. Treating them alone is bad enough, but let's add in the fact that I'll be decomposing simultaneously and on top of that, everyone who tries to treat me will risk being eaten. I'm pretty sure they'll find a cure, but what will I have to live with after that? Scars, disfigurement and doctor bills--that's what!
Secondly, I'm going to have a rather restrictive diet. No longer can I whip up some Hamburger Helper or Ramen Noodles, now I want PEOPLE, and apparently that's taboo and probably expensive. How is the CDC going to accommodate that? You can't feed a lion a salad here, got it? And I think a zombie will be smart enough to know the difference in human and whatever substitute (probably chicken).
Finally, in the event of this Zombie Apocalypse, what's going to happen when I become human again? Would I want to become human again? Will the zombies be given a choice? I, for one, would like to be the first to advocate for zombie rights! Who's with me?! (You only have until 6:00 pm tomorrow to decide because I think that's when it begins!)
Monday, May 2, 2011
The French Whore
I made a potentially life-altering decision yesterday during the course of Jessica's wedding. Some of you may think that I am jumping into this decision too hastily, that perhaps I am being irrational and unfair, but you must push those thoughts aside because they are irrelevant to express. My mind is made up. Before I reveal my decision, let me tell you the story.
Jessica picked a woman to do our hair/make-up before the wedding. Naturally, I was skeptical. The only way I am ever happy with someone else styling my hair (will a couple of exceptions but all still from the same company) is when Chris at Van Michael's charges me $100.00 after having given me the World's Greatest Massage, a perfectly acceptable haircut, and making me feel like $1,000,000.00 by telling me how awesome I am while doing these things. Some have accused him of doing this for tips, and maybe they are right, but nonetheless, this is the only way I am ever REALLY satisfied. But back to my story, I did not have a choice in the matter, so I paid my money and hoped for the best....
Somehow, I was selected to go first. As Matron of Honor, maybe this was supposed to be a, well, honor, but this was mistake #1. The lady went to town on my face. I wasn't really allowed to look at what was being done, but it felt normal so I let her do her thing (for the sick minded, we are talking strictly about applying makeup here!!) Midway through, another bridesmaid sat down and asked if her makeup would be done the same as mine, because she "didn't want PINK AND PURPLE"....
Yeah, hold the phone....did she just say PINK AND PURPLE???? Here I am about to dress into a Capri Blue (basically baby blue) dress with a brown sash, and I'm wearing pink and purple eye shadow??? This is what I envisioned (substitute hot pink and purple for the blue):
Ok, so it wasn't THAT bad, but it was bad. The other girl declared herself to look like a drag queen, but I prefer the term "french whore" to describe my look. I'm not even going to waste time ranting about my hair.
SO the decision is as follows: NO ONE SHALL EVER DO MY MAKE-UP EVER AGAIN! Only ME!!! Well, unless I die....Please don't leave me out in front of everyone with no makeup....but please provide a picture! Hopefully I'll live to be 115 and it won't really matter anyway.....
I also realize that I am stopping abruptly here, but you know, that's how I roll when I lose interest in my own conversation!
Until next time :)
Jessica picked a woman to do our hair/make-up before the wedding. Naturally, I was skeptical. The only way I am ever happy with someone else styling my hair (will a couple of exceptions but all still from the same company) is when Chris at Van Michael's charges me $100.00 after having given me the World's Greatest Massage, a perfectly acceptable haircut, and making me feel like $1,000,000.00 by telling me how awesome I am while doing these things. Some have accused him of doing this for tips, and maybe they are right, but nonetheless, this is the only way I am ever REALLY satisfied. But back to my story, I did not have a choice in the matter, so I paid my money and hoped for the best....
Somehow, I was selected to go first. As Matron of Honor, maybe this was supposed to be a, well, honor, but this was mistake #1. The lady went to town on my face. I wasn't really allowed to look at what was being done, but it felt normal so I let her do her thing (for the sick minded, we are talking strictly about applying makeup here!!) Midway through, another bridesmaid sat down and asked if her makeup would be done the same as mine, because she "didn't want PINK AND PURPLE"....
Yeah, hold the phone....did she just say PINK AND PURPLE???? Here I am about to dress into a Capri Blue (basically baby blue) dress with a brown sash, and I'm wearing pink and purple eye shadow??? This is what I envisioned (substitute hot pink and purple for the blue):
Ok, so it wasn't THAT bad, but it was bad. The other girl declared herself to look like a drag queen, but I prefer the term "french whore" to describe my look. I'm not even going to waste time ranting about my hair.
SO the decision is as follows: NO ONE SHALL EVER DO MY MAKE-UP EVER AGAIN! Only ME!!! Well, unless I die....Please don't leave me out in front of everyone with no makeup....but please provide a picture! Hopefully I'll live to be 115 and it won't really matter anyway.....
I also realize that I am stopping abruptly here, but you know, that's how I roll when I lose interest in my own conversation!
Until next time :)
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The Snake
We were enjoying a nice, spring evening earlier when we heard my neighbor yell from where she was doing something with a pile of leaves, "Brandi, I need to use your internet!"
My first thought was "use your own damn internet," but before I could make any such reply, I could see the top of her head bobbing over my way. As she got closer, I noticed that she is carrying with her by the tail, A SNAKE. It wasn't a large snake by any means, but my ophidiophobia does not prejudice size and immediately I was out of my rocking chair, clinging Ryan to my side, prepared to run into the house and barricade myself if she stepped any further. "I want to see what kind of snake this is because Tara doesn't want her child being bitten by this thing!"
At this point, not only am I experiencing the willies at seeing this thing dangle from her hand wiggling around, but also I am annoyed at her having referred to herself in third person to declare HER concern for HER child when she's brought AN F'ING SNAKE into MY yard where I am standing with MY CHILD. Needless to say, BRANDI WAS NOT AMUSED!
Anyway, back to my story, Terry and Christina (my other neighbor) hop off the porch and go analyze this snake that has a ring around it's neck. I joke that it's the "Elusive ringneck snake" as my mom once described a snake we found dead in a box last year, but Terry and Christina decided it's a Cottonmouth. Nice, so now Tara is holding a venomous snake in my yard. At this point, she now has a sense of urgency and starts ordering everyone around to get a shovel or SOMETHING because she is holding a VENOMOUS SNAKE.
When all was said and done, the snake had somehow slipped the surly bonds of earth before biting dummy Tara or anyone around us and it did in fact turn out to be the elusive ringneck snake which she described as "mildly poisonous" after having returned after consulting with google (on her own damn computer!)
I feel that the lessons to be taken from this story as are follows:
1. Don't pick up snakes.
2. If you do pick up snakes, do not get mad at your neighbors for not acting fast enough when you deem the snake you are holding as dangerous. You are still the moron holding the snake.
3. The next time someone asks to use an electronic such as a computer while OUTSIDE, it's probably not to look up the lyrics to "Milkshake" or to look up deals on CouponMom.....
4. I must install my moat ASAP.
My first thought was "use your own damn internet," but before I could make any such reply, I could see the top of her head bobbing over my way. As she got closer, I noticed that she is carrying with her by the tail, A SNAKE. It wasn't a large snake by any means, but my ophidiophobia does not prejudice size and immediately I was out of my rocking chair, clinging Ryan to my side, prepared to run into the house and barricade myself if she stepped any further. "I want to see what kind of snake this is because Tara doesn't want her child being bitten by this thing!"
At this point, not only am I experiencing the willies at seeing this thing dangle from her hand wiggling around, but also I am annoyed at her having referred to herself in third person to declare HER concern for HER child when she's brought AN F'ING SNAKE into MY yard where I am standing with MY CHILD. Needless to say, BRANDI WAS NOT AMUSED!
Anyway, back to my story, Terry and Christina (my other neighbor) hop off the porch and go analyze this snake that has a ring around it's neck. I joke that it's the "Elusive ringneck snake" as my mom once described a snake we found dead in a box last year, but Terry and Christina decided it's a Cottonmouth. Nice, so now Tara is holding a venomous snake in my yard. At this point, she now has a sense of urgency and starts ordering everyone around to get a shovel or SOMETHING because she is holding a VENOMOUS SNAKE.
When all was said and done, the snake had somehow slipped the surly bonds of earth before biting dummy Tara or anyone around us and it did in fact turn out to be the elusive ringneck snake which she described as "mildly poisonous" after having returned after consulting with google (on her own damn computer!)
I feel that the lessons to be taken from this story as are follows:
1. Don't pick up snakes.
2. If you do pick up snakes, do not get mad at your neighbors for not acting fast enough when you deem the snake you are holding as dangerous. You are still the moron holding the snake.
3. The next time someone asks to use an electronic such as a computer while OUTSIDE, it's probably not to look up the lyrics to "Milkshake" or to look up deals on CouponMom.....
4. I must install my moat ASAP.
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