Sometimes I miss her....

It's crazy how we're always changing...or at least I am.  For the past 2 years, I've dealt with the fact that I hated who I once was.  Literally hated.  In these 2 years, I've striven to be less confrontational, kinder, happier, and I've been successful...too successful.  In my fear of reverting back to who I once was, I became a total pushover.  I've allowed myself to be at the mercy of everyone else with little regard for what I actually want.  Tonight, I had an epiphany about that girl I hated so much....

She always cared enough to fight for herself.  

Was I really that bad of a person??  Or has this all been based on a select few people getting into my head?  The fact that said people still talk to me and make efforts to see me is definitely an indication that I wasn't that bad--and they still seem to take comfort in having me as a friend because they say they know I'll always having their backs.  They appreciated that I was willing to fight for them (and not in a violent sense!).

I have to be willing to fight for myself again.  I have to let go of this fear that I will become her again because it's really not a bad thing.  Sure, she had times when she was mean and kind of bossy, but she was also strong and feisty and passionate!  I no longer hate her, and over time I'm going to figure out how to balance her with this newer version of myself.

The Night of Mumford

*From 9-23-13*

There are times when you feel a total need to do something but have no idea why.  That was the case leading up to last week's Saturday night Mumford & Sons adventure.

I've been in quite a funk lately--not even necessarily depressed, but just in a weird mood.  Things are very different today than they were at the start of the summer.  I've unintentionally alienated most of my friends here--or at least, that's basically what I've been accused of, OR severed all ties together with some back home which is probably for the best, but still a little painful.  As a result, I've been much more attentive to the people around me.  I'm building a new little circle of friends that are all amazingly talented--music, art, writing, film--and the have been vital in breathing life back into my pretty battered confidence.

Of these, there was 1 that I personally made more effort to explore.  I can't pinpoint my exact reasons.  I'm not sure if I just already trust them or just really want to, but there's just a simple connection there that I can really appreciate.  No weird signals, no sexual tension, just an odd sense of comfort and a great deal of intrigue.  Anyway, we finally made it happen to hang out last Saturday.  He suggested going to a sold out concert in St. Augustine and just seeing where the night takes us.  Not going to lie, it was an unhill battle with Terry trying to convince him to just trust the situation and do it (and pretty heavily criticized by family who think I shouldn't be making friends with other guys, even though my prior career was filled with them!).  We were sure we wouldn't be able to find a place to park, sure we wouldn't be able to afford tickets, and I was pretty nervous that it would turn into a total disaster and ruin a potential friendship that I already cared a great deal about.

My new friend put me at ease instantly.  He knew the area very well and made it clear that he wouldn't be devastated if it didn't work out perfectly.  He, like us, just wanted to see where the night took us.  Worst case scenario, we'd just go bar hopping in St. Augustine.

We parked in a random black guy's yard for $10 (as opposed to the $40 lots everywhere else), and we did some fireballs before we left the car (CHILLED fireballs, he had the liquor chilled in a bucket of ice...I was pretty impressed).  We were hearing CCR as we walked up to where the concert was, and come to find out, John Fogerty filled in at the last minute for the band Fun. because they had cancelled that day.  Our new friend inquired about what the tickets were originally going for and basically used that as a negotiation tool for people leaving the concert and selling their bracelets.  One couple was going to sell them to us for $25, but he rejected their offer and was sure we could get them for free.  He was TOTALLY right!  He and I got in, and then he took mine and went back to get Terry.

I've never really heard Mumford & Sons, but I loved the show.  Standing in the crowd, listening to them play and with each song building up to a great climactic moment with lightning flashing behind the stage, I was totally in awe.  It felt amazing.  It was exactly what my soul needed.  It was THAT awesome to me.  Plus, I loved the fact that I skated outside of my comfort zone and did something a little risky, because the reward was pretty sweet!

After the show we had dinner, then drinks and walked around St. Augustine a little...I'm not sure how I actually came across, because honestly, I'm a little intimidated by my new friend.  Not like in a scared sense, but I'm just really intrigued by him and maybe a little awe-stricken.  He'd probably think I'm nuts for thinking it, but it's sort of the theme with everyone I'm choosing to hang around lately. I just feel like it's all been for a reason, and I'll understand it all soon.  Something big is on the horizon, I can feel it.

Speaking of other intriguing friends, there's a woman one too!  She's an author (the guy is a musician), and I joined her go go dance troop to explore where that went.  After hanging out Monday and being silly and trying on go go dresses and wigs, I was once again inspired by a new person.  I confessed how I was initially intimidated by her and she said the feeling had been mutual....WHAT?! Nonetheless, I'm super excited to see where this friendship goes as well.  We have such amazing talks and haven't known each other very long.

I didn't get to see any of my Georgia friends when I went up this last time.  I hate it, I really do...but I'm thinking in the future I should stop involving them in my visits.  I'm doing more harm than go with my good intentions that I eventually spoil.

That's all on my mind for now...but it's enough!...well, it's all that I have the guts to write down!!

Crazy Eyes, Friend Fatigue and The Cardinal Sin of Girl's Night

I should be on my way to see an Irish 80's cover band at the pub right now, but I hurt my freakin eye last night and it's been super sore today to the point of nearly driving me mad!! I figured that maybe I should just listen to music and update my blog and make the best of it :)

So what's new in the life of Brandi? Well, yesterday I committed to coordinating storytime at the library for the summer since they were only going to be offering 3 sessions otherwise.  I'm pretty excited!  That's one thing I love about living here, it's so easy to get involved in community stuff! Additionally, me and a few of the moms have designated a night once a week to get together and do our own crafty stuff...and drink wine!

I've met a few new "friends"....but I think I suffer from a condition that I shall call "Friend Fatigue".  Friend Fatigue is basically where you meet a new friend and get super enthused about all the stuff you initially have in common--like OMG, we both like chocolate and Pinterest!  We're going to be BEST friends! ....then you make plans for like 3 days of the next week and you can barely make it through Day 1's plans before you realize that was literally all you had in common and they get on your freaking nerves.  The very thought of continuing through the rest of the week's plan is utterly exhausting.  I DO THIS ALL THE TIME!!! See?? I do have good intentions before channeling my inner jerk!

In related stories, apparently the concept of Girl's Night is quite foreign to women here.  What do you think Rule #1 of Girl's Night is?  It's literally the ONLY rule.  NO MEN!!! NO, they can't come with someone else to the SAME place and sit at a separate table--WTF??? Yes, that was actually suggested recently.
And no, she's never going to be invited out again!!!  And at storytimes...bring the guys every once in a while, but to bring them EVERY SINGLE TIME and have them completely shoved up your ass when you're trying to join in a conversation on PMS remedies while the kids play is really just weird.  Plus, don't these men have jobs??

What else?  Oh yes, the month of June and part of July is booked up with visitors so I'm really excited :)
Ryan is turning 3 next week and he's having a Spongebob Treasure Hunt themed party at a splash park on Ormond Beach.  I have a photo scavenger hunt planned and the gift bags are going to be "buried treasures" in a sand bucket.

Speaking of Sir Ryan, he's over my blogging and demanding I quit. My final thought to remember in the future is this: "If you think someone will try you, they will"....so I need to quit my benefits of the doubt! ;)

The Whale Omen & The Birth Of Spirited Spunk

I can't believe the month of January is almost over!! I've been seriously slacking in 2013 on blogging....BUT that's not to say I've been slacking on writing (more on that later).

I felt like New Year's was a sort of sign, omen--call it what you will--but on the way home from the European Village with some friends, we saw a whale in the Intracoastal. Many have asked me If I'm sure I'm sure that I saw a whale, and the answer is yes.  While extremely rare and uncommon, right whales have been seen in those waterways before.  AND there is no way that a dolphins or manatee could make ripples that stretch across the entire river, move that fast, and are that loud when they blow out air.  Having said all of this, I knew that 2013 was sure to be a unique year, and so far it proven to be just that!

Sometime within the past couple of months, Terry and my mom were on the phone discussing various business ventures, and Terry disappeared for a long time talking to her.  When he returned, he said they had moved on from whatever idea he had are were discussing how I needed to put my talents to use--writing, art, etc.  I was flattered, but didn't really completely comprehend the magnitude of the effect that conversation would later have on me.  Slowly I started to gather my little crafty stuff, drug out old boxes of my writings, and all of a sudden I found myself developing a website, looking up publishers, and buying a sewing machine.

I don't know how successful my business will be or if I'll ever get to sign on with a publisher, but that doesn't really matter.  This is something that I've always been to scared to do--to put myself out there and have to potentially face rejection and criticism.  It's just not that scary to me anymore.  I had posted earlier about my little "retreat", and oddly I think that's where I gained all this courage and confidence.  Sometimes we surround ourselves with people that we think are good for us, but in reality, they really hold us back.  It's too bad all of those that I truly hold dear aren't always nearby, but they are always with me.  LIBBY (I know you read my blog ;) YOU TOLD ME TO DO THIS SO MANY TIMES BEFORE!!!  It's the moms, dads, Terrys, and Libbys of the world that keep me inspired and confident :)

Anyway, that's really all for now.  I've got to get back to working on my business plan stuff (I carry a red notebook with me pretty much everywhere I go now lol)