When I first started seeing the postings on Facebook about the CDC having a Zombie Apocalypse Plan, I thought it was one of those hacker links....so imagine my surprise when I typed in CDC.gov, went to Emergency Preparedness and Response and saw the link for the Zombie Apocalypse. I understand that they are trying to put a cute spin on being prepared for any disaster...but this is AMERICA, and I think they have no idea how unprepared we are.
What about the ZOMBIES? They have all this focus on how for the non-zombies to survive, but let's face it, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse I will probably be turned into a zombie. I have ZERO athletic ability and a love of cookies. I'll be one of the first to be turned.
The CDC says for starters that we'll be quarantined and they will find what caused this outbreak and how to treat it. This is going to be quite costly to the taxpayers. At this point, I will no longer be concerned with the concept of a taxpayer because in the future they will be looked at as a potential meal....but nonetheless, it will be costly. First of all, all zombies seem to have open wounds from what I see. Treating them alone is bad enough, but let's add in the fact that I'll be decomposing simultaneously and on top of that, everyone who tries to treat me will risk being eaten. I'm pretty sure they'll find a cure, but what will I have to live with after that? Scars, disfigurement and doctor bills--that's what!
Secondly, I'm going to have a rather restrictive diet. No longer can I whip up some Hamburger Helper or Ramen Noodles, now I want PEOPLE, and apparently that's taboo and probably expensive. How is the CDC going to accommodate that? You can't feed a lion a salad here, got it? And I think a zombie will be smart enough to know the difference in human and whatever substitute (probably chicken).
Finally, in the event of this Zombie Apocalypse, what's going to happen when I become human again? Would I want to become human again? Will the zombies be given a choice? I, for one, would like to be the first to advocate for zombie rights! Who's with me?! (You only have until 6:00 pm tomorrow to decide because I think that's when it begins!)
Friday, May 20, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
The French Whore
I made a potentially life-altering decision yesterday during the course of Jessica's wedding. Some of you may think that I am jumping into this decision too hastily, that perhaps I am being irrational and unfair, but you must push those thoughts aside because they are irrelevant to express. My mind is made up. Before I reveal my decision, let me tell you the story.
Jessica picked a woman to do our hair/make-up before the wedding. Naturally, I was skeptical. The only way I am ever happy with someone else styling my hair (will a couple of exceptions but all still from the same company) is when Chris at Van Michael's charges me $100.00 after having given me the World's Greatest Massage, a perfectly acceptable haircut, and making me feel like $1,000,000.00 by telling me how awesome I am while doing these things. Some have accused him of doing this for tips, and maybe they are right, but nonetheless, this is the only way I am ever REALLY satisfied. But back to my story, I did not have a choice in the matter, so I paid my money and hoped for the best....
Somehow, I was selected to go first. As Matron of Honor, maybe this was supposed to be a, well, honor, but this was mistake #1. The lady went to town on my face. I wasn't really allowed to look at what was being done, but it felt normal so I let her do her thing (for the sick minded, we are talking strictly about applying makeup here!!) Midway through, another bridesmaid sat down and asked if her makeup would be done the same as mine, because she "didn't want PINK AND PURPLE"....
Yeah, hold the phone....did she just say PINK AND PURPLE???? Here I am about to dress into a Capri Blue (basically baby blue) dress with a brown sash, and I'm wearing pink and purple eye shadow??? This is what I envisioned (substitute hot pink and purple for the blue):
Ok, so it wasn't THAT bad, but it was bad. The other girl declared herself to look like a drag queen, but I prefer the term "french whore" to describe my look. I'm not even going to waste time ranting about my hair.
SO the decision is as follows: NO ONE SHALL EVER DO MY MAKE-UP EVER AGAIN! Only ME!!! Well, unless I die....Please don't leave me out in front of everyone with no makeup....but please provide a picture! Hopefully I'll live to be 115 and it won't really matter anyway.....
I also realize that I am stopping abruptly here, but you know, that's how I roll when I lose interest in my own conversation!
Until next time :)
Jessica picked a woman to do our hair/make-up before the wedding. Naturally, I was skeptical. The only way I am ever happy with someone else styling my hair (will a couple of exceptions but all still from the same company) is when Chris at Van Michael's charges me $100.00 after having given me the World's Greatest Massage, a perfectly acceptable haircut, and making me feel like $1,000,000.00 by telling me how awesome I am while doing these things. Some have accused him of doing this for tips, and maybe they are right, but nonetheless, this is the only way I am ever REALLY satisfied. But back to my story, I did not have a choice in the matter, so I paid my money and hoped for the best....
Somehow, I was selected to go first. As Matron of Honor, maybe this was supposed to be a, well, honor, but this was mistake #1. The lady went to town on my face. I wasn't really allowed to look at what was being done, but it felt normal so I let her do her thing (for the sick minded, we are talking strictly about applying makeup here!!) Midway through, another bridesmaid sat down and asked if her makeup would be done the same as mine, because she "didn't want PINK AND PURPLE"....
Yeah, hold the phone....did she just say PINK AND PURPLE???? Here I am about to dress into a Capri Blue (basically baby blue) dress with a brown sash, and I'm wearing pink and purple eye shadow??? This is what I envisioned (substitute hot pink and purple for the blue):
Ok, so it wasn't THAT bad, but it was bad. The other girl declared herself to look like a drag queen, but I prefer the term "french whore" to describe my look. I'm not even going to waste time ranting about my hair.
SO the decision is as follows: NO ONE SHALL EVER DO MY MAKE-UP EVER AGAIN! Only ME!!! Well, unless I die....Please don't leave me out in front of everyone with no makeup....but please provide a picture! Hopefully I'll live to be 115 and it won't really matter anyway.....
I also realize that I am stopping abruptly here, but you know, that's how I roll when I lose interest in my own conversation!
Until next time :)
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