In your dreams.....

It's been said that I'm often guilty of letting people/places/situations haunt me....and I'm not talking about Ghost Hunter haunts!  I suppose this is 110% true.  I don't even do it intentionally.  I blame my dreams.  I have 2 consistently recurring dreams....the house and the search.

The house is one where I'm returning to a very familiar place (where I grew up), and I'm trying to either find something or hurry up to leave before someone gets there.  At this point, I love where I live so much that I don't really even think about that place anymore....I mean, its still hard to go within 5 miles of it when I have to (very rare that will ever happen now), but I don't feel like it's this horrible thing anymore.  It's weird that my subconscious still clings to it...

The search always involves me looking for someone all night and either never finding them, or finding them and hugging them as tight as I can because I know the minute I let go they'll be gone again.  There are 2 recurring people here, and it's no surprise that they're just as absent in my dreams as in real life. Then I wake up and want to talk to them and end up pissed off/hurt that the outcome of that attempt turns out exactly as expected.

I think on some level I just can't accept that I can't make things right in real life and my mind struggles to make up for it in my dreams.  I don't really know what it will take to be at peace about it.  I think I've done everything I possibly can on my end of the spectrum....and the reality is that the other side of the spectrum is predictable and unwavering, so I can't expect for some amazing change of course in the universe to take place and make everything all better.

I really re-opened myself up this past year....I wanted to be the type of person who didn't have to be so guarded all the time and to be more genuine about how I feel.  Big mistake.  I think I need to get back to where I was before, because that way people didn't really have an opportunity to hurt me.  I wasn't a bad person for that.  The only people who thought that were unworthy of an opinion about me in the first place.  My willingness for 2nd and 3rd chances were overly-generous and completely undeserved.

I can't control my dreams....but I can be positive that the only effort in the future on my side will have to be in your dreams!