Getting a grip!

After I made my last post, it's like the universe decided to bitch-slap some sense into me.  I had the stark realization that I have become a complete and total pushover in the wake of my new found perspective on life.  It doesn't all root back to my aunt's death, but I think it's where the fire started....and from there, with leaving probation and embarking on a new path, I somehow became disillusioned into thinking that my former self was this mean, hurtful person with no good qualities and suddenly I found myself begging for forgiveness at every turn when in fact, I'm the same Brandi I've always been--and that's been good enough for all my loved ones up to this point!!!

Ok, yes, probation DID make me mean, or at least we'll say meaner than usual.  I think anyone in law enforcement can agree that dealing with public in the capacity that is necessary tends to make one far more jaded than the average person.  So yes, I very rarely believed anything anyone said, was quick to call BS the second I started to detect it, and I had no problem whatsoever with standing my ground.  In my mind, I was good at separating work from my personal life, but close friends and family would agree that sometimes I sounded like I was talking to them like a probationer.  I can see now how it was true, but it wasn't something I did all the time and it wasn't how I interacted with people all the time. I think that I left work trying to prove I could be nice, when the only thing I set out to do was be a good mother.  I shouldn't have cared about any other perceptions!!

My 2 rules were to not use definitives anymore--like "I'll never talk to them again," and to not hold people to a higher standard than I hold myself--like I sometimes wake up and feel like not doing something I committed to, so I shouldn't crucify someone for something I'm just as guilty of.  I still think that FOR THE MOST PART, both of those things are true and something I would like to strive for....but those 2 things are not hard limits (yep, 50 shades reference lol)....There are definitely some people I shouldn't talk to again and just let go, and I shouldn't lower my standards of others below the standards of my own just to accommodate any behavior.  Yes, I should forgive people, but forgiveness shouldn't mean I give someone a clean slate and forget everything that ever happened.  No, I shouldn't just forget that a neighbor cussed me out and told me that my marriage to Terry would be over in 3 months and that my parents didn't care about me when they moved to Florida and write it off as "Oh, they were just upset"--because no, that was inexcusable, and I'm a moron for feeling hurt that they didn't stop on the way down to Ormond Beach all of 20 minutes away.  And no, it's not cool that a "friend" of ours is ignoring our phone calls when he owes us $300 and has our mail and writing it off as "Oh he's just sad because he broke up with his girlfriend" because no, a deal is a deal, that's OUR money and OUR mail, and lying about tracking numbers and shipping dates and whatnot just indicates what a *insert synonym for kitty cat* they are and how I'm an idiot for trusting them.  And NO, it is not OK that I've just sat back and let everything ride.  If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't be given the same courtesy.

Pawpaw reminded me this week about the difference between loved ones and acquaintances, and my fatal error has been blurring the line between the two.  I shouldn't sacrifice my own feelings for people that don't care enough about me in the first place to spare them. 

My next blog should be nicer..... :)  And unless you're the 2 (the number could be higher based on association with the 2 and based on other instances that aren't as fresh on my mind), I'm not talking about you!  Let's just say that I have no regrets from some of the amends I've made, for some of the friendships I've nurtured back to health, and for at least attempting to ease up a bit.